Have You Found The Gem or are You Still Trying to Change the Rock?

Don’t try to change me, or conform me into what you think I should be, how I should act or what I should do. I am me, as I am, created in the likeness of Christ. It is He who formed me in my mother’s womb, it is He that is the Potter and I am the clay. I make mistakes, I learn, I try. But it has to be in God’s timing, not yours. I am not the same personality type as many may be, but I am also the same as many are. Don’t condemn me because I don’t think or function as you do. Don’t push me to act in a way I am incapable of acting, don’t question my every move, don’t belittle me because I haven’t done it the way you would have. Just please let me be me. Enjoy life and laugh with me. Don’t make everything drudgery. See me as unique and individual and see the things in my life that make me happy. Learn about me, learn what I love, and share that with me. The sadness of losing myself has created someone I don’t even know. Lord, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Help those in my life to see the gem and see that within me lies so much that is unleashed. Suppression has crippled my soul and today I resolve to be free. Please do not stifle my dreams, hold me back, or try to change who God has made me to be. See the gem in the solid rock. There lies the beauty of me.

Mother's Day

My mother, Lois Jean. She is 86 years old. She is so full of love and a warm heart it is pleasing just to be in her presence. So many things have changed over the last several years as she is aging, she has suffered several illnesses and several strokes but she has recovered well and is still sharing all of her love. Even though she has suffered these past few years she is still there for me, she is the one who has taught me so many things in life. She is so strong. She has held on to life with enduring and passionate grace when you would think a person would crumble under the stress and reality of what she has experienced in her life.

What a beautiful example of living life to its fullest. She is always there for me, always thinking of others, always putting others before herself. She has a gift of being a servant. She gives of herself in ways she doesn't even realize. She touches lives by her example of living, her smile, her laughter, her love. She is my mom and I am so blessed.

As I have been told many times that I was the rebel child, not necessarily by mom, but my siblings sure like to remind me that 'they brought the wrong baby home from the hospital' or of course the old adage 'the black sheep of the family' but all I can say to that is thank God, because I was blessed with a mother that has loved me no matter what. Throughout all my defiance, disobedience, and rebellion, she still stands by me, black sheep or not, wrong baby or not, she loves me for who I am. And I am sure she said a lot of prayers for me and I thank God for her faithfulness.

When I visit with her, I try to listen more than talk, I try to soak up all the knowledge, the memories, the family history that she shares. I have told her for years to get this information in writing because I know myself and I suppose I will forget all of the details, but I will never forget the touch of her heart, the feel of her touching my hand, the comfort of her hugs, the chuckle and her ceaseless, unconditional love. I love you mother.



"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."   ~Washington Irving

Shifting Tide

Last Saturday I learned a very difficult lesson in life. I have spent years suggesting to people ways to handle difficult situations. And today, when faced with something I have been struggling with I did not have the lessons in my own life learned. Coming face to face with something that I have been dancing around for 9 months without any preparation broke me down into a crushed and severely confused state of mind.

The tears and hysteria and unbelief of what had happened brought me to a place in my mind where I did not think I could go on. I could not handle any more pain. It was just too much to bear. Pacing, crying deep within my soul and sick to my stomach, I called a friend to come quickly to help me.

As I explained to her what happened it was unique in that something very difficult she went through several years back was very similar to what I was going through but with the roles reversed. She was able to help me see from the other side. And ironically when she was going through her experience, pain and growth, letting go, setting boundaries, etc. I was one of the people helping her; by listening to her and offering my thoughts, suggestions and at times being quite frank and trying to get her to see what the truth really was.

We talked about the dynamics in the relationship and my response and expectation of others. We talked about how I feel when someone I love does not live up to what I expect and how each and every situation that does not bring about what I think it should; I take it upon myself to somehow feel responsible.
 
My response to these situations creates a gamut of feelings from sadness and disappointment to anger and then I take it upon myself and feel as though it is my fault and failure. All of the 'if onlys' flooded my brain and brought me to a place of complete and utter despair.

We talked about giving and helping someone you love in a situation and expecting something in return for what you have done. I have wanted desperately for recognition for all I have done or repayment of a debt that I gave without discussion or consent for repayment.

I have tried for so many years to overcome my own feelings of guilt over the actions I played out in life. I have been unable to forgive myself and that alone is such a slap in the face of God. On the cross as Jesus died, he said these words, "It is finished". Those words are powerful and truth. For me to carry and hold on to something that I have already been forgiven for as far as the east is to the west is to tell God that He is not my God in this area. I have placed my unforgiveness of self as an idol to hang onto. I pray that through the situation I went through over this past weekend will be the turning point of letting that go.

The lies of the devil have held me captive and I choose to no longer believe what I have believing all these years. What has happened in my life has not always been what I believe God had planned; as I was defiant and chose my way many times.

So in the same manner that I have placed on myself, I have placed on another. I have tried to save someone else from experiencing the same thing I did. It is very obvious that I cannot change another person, I have preached this for years. I have preached that we cannot control what any other person says or does or reacts; we can only control our own. Oh my, how can I preach the truth, but not live it for myself?

The week before I was in Sunday School and we watched a video by Chip Ingram about relationships. Specifically referring to Philippians 2:1-8
"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

I need to look at other's needs before my own, this helps learn humility. And I have to always check my attitude. Every single day, God has an assignment for us. Listen to Him.

Philippians 2:9-11
"Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

This is God's view of humility. We also need to learn to be humble even when things are going well. We cannot let pride step in. We need to be grateful first then humble, then serve.

In light of the hard lesson I have learned, I had to admit that I had sinned, that I had held grudges, bitterness, and resentment for years and it continued to build to a point that it blinded me and I was not able to function in a normal manner in this relationship. I was blinded and deceived.

After being confronted with by behavior, God, in His almighty grace began to open the blinders from my eyes and help me to see the truth. The lies were being exposed, the pain began to diminish and gratefulness for the confrontation began to unravel throughout the day and a gentle peace began to come upon me. Every once in a while, the old thoughts would come back, slapping me in the face. I know that this will be a continual process if learning to let this go and remembering to separate the truth from the lies. Letting go is one of the hardest things especially if you have become so enmeshed and codependent in the relationship.

Saying you are sorry and forgiving are very hard when the pain is still so deep, but that is the only way to grow and let God come in and heal the pain. I continued to say that in my heart I was releasing something that I had held onto for years as the most important thing in my life. These steps were very, very difficult but necessary. I learned this from my friend. Going forward, only by the grace of God will I be able to continue on this journey remembering what I let go of, what I learned, what I forgave, what I said I would not try to control any longer.

Last night before I went to bed I was checking FaceBook and here is something I had posted on someone's wall. Listen to yourself, Jennifer.....

"Being in place where you have no control over a situation that affects someone you love so deeply and want to protect is one of the most devastating and deepest pains in life. I have been there. It is uncontrollable feelings of anguish. I pray for you my friend, that God will comfort you and give you His peace. I wish I could make it better I really do. Thank you for sharing. When someone shares as you have it helps us all feel like we are not alone. Please keep talking and don't hold it in, let it all out. And let us try to comfort and help. As you go to sleep tonight, envision the arms of God wrapped around your little child and protecting him."

I am sure this story will continue. I praise God for the places He has taken me in life, though not always easy, His love carries me through.