No Trespassing

 

Atypical behavior one might say but for me it is only another change. A swing from one end of the spectrum to the other rarely able to take a respite in the middle where the sign would say 'stability'. Throughout my life I have always had to change to become the identity of what I would perceive another would see me as. Wandering past any danger of risk I would dance before you with complete abandon. I could laugh and joke and bring attention to this pretty girl. There was power in that as I could grasp ahold of your attention and hold you captive for a time. In all of these attempts to orchestrate the vision of a happy girl I was lost inside. I only wanted to be loved without being hurt. I only wanted to be loved without being abandoned.

 

A turn about would enter at times where I would stagger through my days without any direction or desire to remediate any situation. Tossed violently at times and without respect through chasms of darkness. There was not any rhyme or reason to my life as any attempt I had to control would be shattered with the reality of an uncontrolled world around me and would shatter the frenetic pace to maintain identity.

 

I finally found the No Trespassing sign; My God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. He has walked me down a path which has taken many years and showed me the sign. I didn't understand it when I saw it as there was nothing instilled in me that would cause me to understand a boundary. The sign was just that, a piece of wood with writing on it. What was the strength behind it that would cause another to disregard the sign, walk past it and to trespass upon my being? God showed me the Power, The Holy Spirit. For when the Spirit of God came upon me I received the power to stop the trespassers. 

 

How could it be that it took me so long in my life to find that place of personal protection? To say no when I need to without a casting shadow of doubt. As I walk in this new found freedom I experience relief and finally feel free. No longer tethered by the cord that is supposed to bind but continually brought distress as a strangled self hung lifeless with no identity. Now I am tethered by a chord of three strands, The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit - the three in one. There, my friend, is my respite.

Ups, Downs, Ins, Outs, Sideways and Kattywompus

The times that my brain turns in the direction of deep thinking usually ends up either in a state of constant misfiring of neurons creating total chaos or a hyper-focused state of mania where something will take place in an obsessive state until it is complete. If there ever comes a time where we meet in the middle, I am usually at peace. Well, let that last statement be relative.

I just don't understand things at times, it is all such a conundrum of situations and happenings that confuse me. I have had a lifetime of complicated, nonsensical events that I wonder at times how I have made it this far without a visit to the padded room. Well, let me reiterate that last sentence...I guess at one point in my life I visited a hospital unit for a few days in which I was allowed to gain back control of my life during a time of extreme stress. A bed, 3 squares a day, a place to smoke (that is back when I did), 'talking time' (group therapy), and occupational therapy (craft projects) I guess it wasn't all that bad. At least I was isolated from the agony that my world had become. A shift in some medications, ahh yes, the inevitable 'try this, try that' attempts at finding the right medication to help you live life without falling apart.

I tend to think that being a victim of childhood abuse, a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, bi-polar, ADD and menopausal woman gives me some validity to my extreme actions at times. What I need more than anything right now is balance. Oh wait....I forgot the teeter-toter, I tend to swing up and down. But I remember as a child if I did not sit on the teeter-toter but rose above the board and centered myself in the middle I could keep both sides on an even keel.


I think I must dance on the board for a while, centered in position to allow myself freedom to be me. I think I have forgotten who that is and I have begun to lose focus in the mess of chaos around me. Structure has lost its definitive boundary, routine has unraveled, balance aborted by the grim reality of circumstances, unhealthy decisions in self-care due to the attempt to control something in my life even though it is destroying me rather than helping me.

Over and over people tell me they are so impressed with what I am doing, one woman called me a saint. They ask how I do it. The commend and praise the work I have done. I don't want to hear that. Yes, I am going through the motions, at times with ease but so much of the time in frustration and anger. I have even had people upset with me because my focus in life right now is on something different, but it is only for a season. Is that right, I ask myself. The answer seems to be no, but I feel that God called me to do this and it is right, I think that the answer to obtaining some peace is to stop trying to do it on my own and ask for God's help. I need to reach out to my Heavenly Father at the first opening of my eyes and let Him dwell in my thoughts. I need to step onto the center of the teeter-toter (where God dwells) and submit to His presence.

God, I want to be free and I want to dance over and above all the cares of the world. If only for a while....let me laugh....let me dance....let me come into your presence and feel your touch. I will not lose hope, I only want to have some respite.

I tend to think that being a victim of childhood abuse, a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, bi-polar, ADD and menopausal woman gives me some validity to my extreme actions at times. What I need more than anything right now is balance. Oh wait....I forgot the teeter-toter, I tend to swing up and down. But I remember as a child if I did not sit on the teeter-toter but rose above the board and centered myself in the middle I could keep both sides on an even keel.


I think I must dance on the board for a while, centered in position to allow myself freedom to be me. I think I have forgotten who that is and I have begun to lose focus in the mess of chaos around me. Structure has lost its definitive boundary, routine has unraveled, balance aborted by the grim reality of circumstances, unhealthy decisions in self-care due to the attempt to control something in my life even though it is destroying me rather than helping me.

Over and over people tell me they are so impressed with what I am doing, one woman called me a saint. They ask how I do it. The commend and praise the work I have done. I don't want to hear that. Yes, I am going through the motions, at times with ease but so much of the time in frustration and anger. I have even had people upset with me because my focus in life right now is on something different, but it is only for a season. Is that right, I ask myself. The answer seems to be no, but I feel that God called me to do this and it is right, I think that the answer to obtaining some peace is to stop trying to do it on my own and ask for God's help. I need to reach out to my Heavenly Father at the first opening of my eyes and let Him dwell in my thoughts. I need to step onto the center of the teeter-toter (where God dwells) and submit to His presence.

God, I want to be free and I want to dance over and above all the cares of the world. If only for a while....let me laugh....let me dance....let me come into your presence and feel your touch. I will not lose hope, I only want to have some respite.