Thinking

Have you ever thought that the more facets a diamond has, the more valuable it is and brilliant? What I once thought were a great number of shattered pieces of myself, never again to become whole, laid scattered in the sand. And then God came along and picked up each piece and placed it where He designed. When He was done, He turned first to me and said all those shattered pieces have been placed by My hand. And then he turned me towards a mirror and introduced me to myself; and He smiled as the radiance of so many facets created a beauty that He sees in me.

This Date: September 15th, 2012 - Changed My Life Forever

On this date in 2012, it was supposed to be the day my oldest daughter, Talia Shay was to be married. What took place to stop the wedding is a series of events that culminated in her being arrested and sentenced to a 90 day jail term. This sentence took precedence over her wedding.

Devastated by this event were people from all aspects of a planned wedding. I walked in complete robotic numbness over the following weeks. For if I had to feel, I would succumb to the effects of a total breakdown. My ever faithful God stepped in and carried me through the process of cancelling the wedding, and making arrangements for the kids. I used every possible way to contact people to let them know the wedding had been postponed. I had her phone and was able to get many contacts that way, she gave me her facebook login so I could reach people that way. And the following is the letter I sent to the people I was able to reach.

"Dear Family and Friends,

It is with heart-wrenching sadness that I inform you that Talia and Brad's wedding has been postponed until further notice. Rather that having everyone speculate, guess, assume, or otherwise; you will hear the truth from me.

Most of you know of Talia's arrest 8 years ago for drug charges involving methamphetamine use. At that time the judge believed in her and deviated from the state mandated guidelines of 86 months in prison for what she was charged with. She was given numerous sentencing guidelines, one of which was a rather lengthy probation. Since that time, she has never returned to methamphetamine use but has had several incidences where she was using alcohol. This indeed was a violation of her probation.

Because of the incidences of drinking, she has been in an 18 month long program called 'Drug Court' which is granted to very few offenders as an alternative to prison. Part of this is going before her judge twice a month to 'touch base' and see how things are going.

Last week she was caught drinking again and was arrested. She appeared before the judge on Friday and he sentenced her to 90 days in jail (of which she will serve 60 and then ordered to treatment). This appearance in court was the normal Drug Court date. So on Monday she will again appear in court for the charges of violating her probation. The outcome of that could be even worse. The possibility exists that the court could execute her 86 month prison sentence. I am praying that will not happen for I believe that Talia needs an extended treatment program to help her get well.

Left behind in all of this are 3 beautiful children. I spent 11 hours on the road yesterday trying to pick up the pieces and make arrangements for the kids. Emily and Terrill have been very supportive also. Somewhat of a turn of events to have your own children trying to comfort the parent. I have Austin, Audrey is with her father and Dylan is with Brad. I do not know what will happen from here.

For those of you that don't understand addiction, this may seem so incomprehensible. For me, I understand. Through hearing the stories in treatment programs to inside the walls of AA, I have heard of many that lose everything because of addiction. The disease is insidious and tormenting.

I can't even begin to tell you how I feel. I am very numb, but at times am stabbed with the deepest pain that is unbearable.

I would like to share this with you. "Don't stand in judgment, stand as my partner."

Jennifer"

A year has passed now, and so many things have changed. I will write more later.....

Sunday Evenings

I covet my Sunday evenings as a time to spend in relaxation after the weekend and in preparation for the work week to come. It use to be a time to lay around and watch a movie or read a book, but over the last year my life has changed so much; I seem to sometimes feel a bit awkward as I do tonight. However I am coming off of a week of school that was very strenuous and exhausting. Basically, I spent the whole weekend resting to catch up.

Guess what my original plan was? I was going to dig into those three 3-ring binders I brought home from school and summarize what I had learned so I would be ready to dive right in on Monday morning and turn my office into a working machine; with a super-power gained from one week of school. Well, that thought lasted until I woke up Saturday morning, dragging myself out of bed with my eyes half open and my feet shuffling to the bathroom; feeling like I had been hit by a truck. And guess what? The books are sitting in the same spot as I left them when I unpacked on Friday.

Good intentions, sometimes are just that - intentions. A grand desire to accomplish a great task. Do I feel bad about it? No, not really. I would love to have been a bit more organized when I get back to work tomorrow, but hey - I don't think that is ever a reality in my world. The dichotomy in that is that I am a perfectionist, but yet appear to be completely disorganized until the final product it completed. At that point, I reveal a masterpiece.

I did spend most of the afternoon organizing paperwork from Austin's school information and IEP and evaluations from last year. I wanted it in chronological and labeled order (perfectionism). As I was looking through a few things, the pangs of missing him hit my heart, but I continually have to give it to God. I, myself, can not carry the burden. Talia has revealed that he is having some difficulty and I want to jump in with both feet and take over control, but I know I can't. In fact I did take things too far by asking some questions and I have to let her come to me. Oh.....awk! There is so much she doesn't know and I don't know how to handle it. Please God, lead me and give me wisdom.

As I sit here tonight with an uneasy feeling I am confused and anxious but not sure why. I was gone all last week and now Gerald is leaving tomorrow morning for a 4 days of fishing. I pray that I will be open to everything God has for me over this next week. I surrender all.

My Children, My Blessing

I was thinking about my children one evening, how quickly life takes us through the years. From young babies to adults with their own children. As I was lost in my thoughts of how blessed I am I began to be inspired to make a video with just photos of them. Each of them so individual in their own ways, so unique and beautiful. Their lives a reflection of the beauty of God's creation. I love you all so deeply and am so blessed by who you are. I love you, Mom