The Act of Following the Simplest of a Rule and How it Drastically Changed How I Think

"Gerald and I have been taking a class at church called 'Starting Point' by Andy Stanley. Every week we are given a challenge.

Last week was to begin to take steps to reconcile a broken relationship. I believe that many of us thought about things and people, but are still processing and have not taken the step to completion to full reconciliation. I believe that takes more time.

BUT!!
Today's challenge for the week was about following God's rules for our lives. As odd as I thought it sounded our assignment is to 'obey all traffic laws to the exact letter of the law'. I thought it was a strange assignment, and my comment was in a very whining voice, "55 mph?" And knowing I had to drive 6 hours today, I wasn't a happy camper.

When I left home though, I was compelled to connect with God in this manner. Because it seemed such a bizarre assignment, I couldn't let go of the thought of trying it. And in God's perfect timing - he knew I had to drive 6 hours today.

The most amazing thing happened, I drove the exact speed limit 3 hours up and three hours back, fully stopped at all stop signs and as every mile went by I kept feeling a freedom building in me. And with every mile, the intensity to follow the rules increased. Something that seemed so odd to me was actually helping me recognize that I must attempt my best to follow the rules and in turn taught me such a powerful lesson.

What an amazing God we serve. And what an amazing lesson I learned today using something that I never would have thought of.

It is all a journey though, because at a couple of points I found myself saying out loud, things like; "What the heck are you thinking?" or "Get off my axx." And when only ten miles from home when I stopped at a T-road to turn right, I did not dim my lights. Even though I knew no one was coming, it still nudged in my spirit the truth, you are supposed to dim your lights at intersections.

Amazing....."

Point of Grace

A Confused Mind

I have been faced with a couple of incidences lately that baffle me and due to the fact that I can't figure them out, causes me some distress. I am usually quite perceptive when it comes to the human mind; but there are a couple of circumstances that I am not able to put my mind around.

I must not expect myself to understand all that goes on around us in life, but for some reason I haven't been able to let these go. I am a researcher and so very analytical that I want to dig until I can find out the reason why. Am I trying to fix something? No, not really, because it is certainly out of my control. Can I say anything? At this time, no. So I am left to think and pray and ask God for wisdom. But the fact of the matter is, that I may never know or understand.

The actions are so unbelievable and the deception so great that I am stunned. I guess I need to examine myself to make sure that I am not living my life in a manner that would have people wonder this about me.

 

 

My "Me Vacation"

 

 

Life goes around us so quickly that it is, at times a stressor that you just can't get away from. The demands put upon us seem insurmountable at times; and if our boundaries are like rubber bands, we tend to get caught up in the insanity of always 'doing' because we can't say no. I am learning to get better at this, but still have not quite learned how to do it without feeling some pangs of guilt.

 

I have learned over the years that I need time alone; so I planned a vacation for myself. It is a way that I relax, refocus and regenerate. I must admit that there were times prior to my departure that I become somewhat apprehensive, but I knew in my heart I needed this. After I was on the road and heading north, I began to feel the layers of stress dissipate and the anticipation of what was to come rise in my heart.

 

The 4 days I spent ended up to be different than I had planned, but yet I loved what I did. Adaptability was accepted and I went on my way experiencing the steps to refreshing my soul.

 

The ways of the world and the perception of another's being is often confusing in my mind as I focus on something I may have missed or not achieved in life. I met people from such different backgrounds and while I felt some anguish thinking I missed out on something, or that my life had been so deprived of an arena of life I could only imagine; I realized that my worth comes from God and God alone.

 

Was it envy or inquisitiveness to hear their stories? My story is so different, but it is not one where I would want a person to shelve me in the pity section of the book store. Such abandon to the world of the lowly shook me a tad, but at the same time I felt as though I was the hero. My work, my life, my world; failures and successes; have not all taken place for the world to see. My mind is the script and paper is my stage.

Thinking

Have you ever thought that the more facets a diamond has, the more valuable it is and brilliant? What I once thought were a great number of shattered pieces of myself, never again to become whole, laid scattered in the sand. And then God came along and picked up each piece and placed it where He designed. When He was done, He turned first to me and said all those shattered pieces have been placed by My hand. And then he turned me towards a mirror and introduced me to myself; and He smiled as the radiance of so many facets created a beauty that He sees in me.

This Date: September 15th, 2012 - Changed My Life Forever

On this date in 2012, it was supposed to be the day my oldest daughter, Talia Shay was to be married. What took place to stop the wedding is a series of events that culminated in her being arrested and sentenced to a 90 day jail term. This sentence took precedence over her wedding.

Devastated by this event were people from all aspects of a planned wedding. I walked in complete robotic numbness over the following weeks. For if I had to feel, I would succumb to the effects of a total breakdown. My ever faithful God stepped in and carried me through the process of cancelling the wedding, and making arrangements for the kids. I used every possible way to contact people to let them know the wedding had been postponed. I had her phone and was able to get many contacts that way, she gave me her facebook login so I could reach people that way. And the following is the letter I sent to the people I was able to reach.

"Dear Family and Friends,

It is with heart-wrenching sadness that I inform you that Talia and Brad's wedding has been postponed until further notice. Rather that having everyone speculate, guess, assume, or otherwise; you will hear the truth from me.

Most of you know of Talia's arrest 8 years ago for drug charges involving methamphetamine use. At that time the judge believed in her and deviated from the state mandated guidelines of 86 months in prison for what she was charged with. She was given numerous sentencing guidelines, one of which was a rather lengthy probation. Since that time, she has never returned to methamphetamine use but has had several incidences where she was using alcohol. This indeed was a violation of her probation.

Because of the incidences of drinking, she has been in an 18 month long program called 'Drug Court' which is granted to very few offenders as an alternative to prison. Part of this is going before her judge twice a month to 'touch base' and see how things are going.

Last week she was caught drinking again and was arrested. She appeared before the judge on Friday and he sentenced her to 90 days in jail (of which she will serve 60 and then ordered to treatment). This appearance in court was the normal Drug Court date. So on Monday she will again appear in court for the charges of violating her probation. The outcome of that could be even worse. The possibility exists that the court could execute her 86 month prison sentence. I am praying that will not happen for I believe that Talia needs an extended treatment program to help her get well.

Left behind in all of this are 3 beautiful children. I spent 11 hours on the road yesterday trying to pick up the pieces and make arrangements for the kids. Emily and Terrill have been very supportive also. Somewhat of a turn of events to have your own children trying to comfort the parent. I have Austin, Audrey is with her father and Dylan is with Brad. I do not know what will happen from here.

For those of you that don't understand addiction, this may seem so incomprehensible. For me, I understand. Through hearing the stories in treatment programs to inside the walls of AA, I have heard of many that lose everything because of addiction. The disease is insidious and tormenting.

I can't even begin to tell you how I feel. I am very numb, but at times am stabbed with the deepest pain that is unbearable.

I would like to share this with you. "Don't stand in judgment, stand as my partner."

Jennifer"

A year has passed now, and so many things have changed. I will write more later.....

Sunday Evenings

I covet my Sunday evenings as a time to spend in relaxation after the weekend and in preparation for the work week to come. It use to be a time to lay around and watch a movie or read a book, but over the last year my life has changed so much; I seem to sometimes feel a bit awkward as I do tonight. However I am coming off of a week of school that was very strenuous and exhausting. Basically, I spent the whole weekend resting to catch up.

Guess what my original plan was? I was going to dig into those three 3-ring binders I brought home from school and summarize what I had learned so I would be ready to dive right in on Monday morning and turn my office into a working machine; with a super-power gained from one week of school. Well, that thought lasted until I woke up Saturday morning, dragging myself out of bed with my eyes half open and my feet shuffling to the bathroom; feeling like I had been hit by a truck. And guess what? The books are sitting in the same spot as I left them when I unpacked on Friday.

Good intentions, sometimes are just that - intentions. A grand desire to accomplish a great task. Do I feel bad about it? No, not really. I would love to have been a bit more organized when I get back to work tomorrow, but hey - I don't think that is ever a reality in my world. The dichotomy in that is that I am a perfectionist, but yet appear to be completely disorganized until the final product it completed. At that point, I reveal a masterpiece.

I did spend most of the afternoon organizing paperwork from Austin's school information and IEP and evaluations from last year. I wanted it in chronological and labeled order (perfectionism). As I was looking through a few things, the pangs of missing him hit my heart, but I continually have to give it to God. I, myself, can not carry the burden. Talia has revealed that he is having some difficulty and I want to jump in with both feet and take over control, but I know I can't. In fact I did take things too far by asking some questions and I have to let her come to me. Oh.....awk! There is so much she doesn't know and I don't know how to handle it. Please God, lead me and give me wisdom.

As I sit here tonight with an uneasy feeling I am confused and anxious but not sure why. I was gone all last week and now Gerald is leaving tomorrow morning for a 4 days of fishing. I pray that I will be open to everything God has for me over this next week. I surrender all.

My Children, My Blessing

I was thinking about my children one evening, how quickly life takes us through the years. From young babies to adults with their own children. As I was lost in my thoughts of how blessed I am I began to be inspired to make a video with just photos of them. Each of them so individual in their own ways, so unique and beautiful. Their lives a reflection of the beauty of God's creation. I love you all so deeply and am so blessed by who you are. I love you, Mom

Have You Found The Gem or are You Still Trying to Change the Rock?

Don’t try to change me, or conform me into what you think I should be, how I should act or what I should do. I am me, as I am, created in the likeness of Christ. It is He who formed me in my mother’s womb, it is He that is the Potter and I am the clay. I make mistakes, I learn, I try. But it has to be in God’s timing, not yours. I am not the same personality type as many may be, but I am also the same as many are. Don’t condemn me because I don’t think or function as you do. Don’t push me to act in a way I am incapable of acting, don’t question my every move, don’t belittle me because I haven’t done it the way you would have. Just please let me be me. Enjoy life and laugh with me. Don’t make everything drudgery. See me as unique and individual and see the things in my life that make me happy. Learn about me, learn what I love, and share that with me. The sadness of losing myself has created someone I don’t even know. Lord, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Help those in my life to see the gem and see that within me lies so much that is unleashed. Suppression has crippled my soul and today I resolve to be free. Please do not stifle my dreams, hold me back, or try to change who God has made me to be. See the gem in the solid rock. There lies the beauty of me.

Mother's Day

My mother, Lois Jean. She is 86 years old. She is so full of love and a warm heart it is pleasing just to be in her presence. So many things have changed over the last several years as she is aging, she has suffered several illnesses and several strokes but she has recovered well and is still sharing all of her love. Even though she has suffered these past few years she is still there for me, she is the one who has taught me so many things in life. She is so strong. She has held on to life with enduring and passionate grace when you would think a person would crumble under the stress and reality of what she has experienced in her life.

What a beautiful example of living life to its fullest. She is always there for me, always thinking of others, always putting others before herself. She has a gift of being a servant. She gives of herself in ways she doesn't even realize. She touches lives by her example of living, her smile, her laughter, her love. She is my mom and I am so blessed.

As I have been told many times that I was the rebel child, not necessarily by mom, but my siblings sure like to remind me that 'they brought the wrong baby home from the hospital' or of course the old adage 'the black sheep of the family' but all I can say to that is thank God, because I was blessed with a mother that has loved me no matter what. Throughout all my defiance, disobedience, and rebellion, she still stands by me, black sheep or not, wrong baby or not, she loves me for who I am. And I am sure she said a lot of prayers for me and I thank God for her faithfulness.

When I visit with her, I try to listen more than talk, I try to soak up all the knowledge, the memories, the family history that she shares. I have told her for years to get this information in writing because I know myself and I suppose I will forget all of the details, but I will never forget the touch of her heart, the feel of her touching my hand, the comfort of her hugs, the chuckle and her ceaseless, unconditional love. I love you mother.



"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."   ~Washington Irving

Shifting Tide

Last Saturday I learned a very difficult lesson in life. I have spent years suggesting to people ways to handle difficult situations. And today, when faced with something I have been struggling with I did not have the lessons in my own life learned. Coming face to face with something that I have been dancing around for 9 months without any preparation broke me down into a crushed and severely confused state of mind.

The tears and hysteria and unbelief of what had happened brought me to a place in my mind where I did not think I could go on. I could not handle any more pain. It was just too much to bear. Pacing, crying deep within my soul and sick to my stomach, I called a friend to come quickly to help me.

As I explained to her what happened it was unique in that something very difficult she went through several years back was very similar to what I was going through but with the roles reversed. She was able to help me see from the other side. And ironically when she was going through her experience, pain and growth, letting go, setting boundaries, etc. I was one of the people helping her; by listening to her and offering my thoughts, suggestions and at times being quite frank and trying to get her to see what the truth really was.

We talked about the dynamics in the relationship and my response and expectation of others. We talked about how I feel when someone I love does not live up to what I expect and how each and every situation that does not bring about what I think it should; I take it upon myself to somehow feel responsible.
 
My response to these situations creates a gamut of feelings from sadness and disappointment to anger and then I take it upon myself and feel as though it is my fault and failure. All of the 'if onlys' flooded my brain and brought me to a place of complete and utter despair.

We talked about giving and helping someone you love in a situation and expecting something in return for what you have done. I have wanted desperately for recognition for all I have done or repayment of a debt that I gave without discussion or consent for repayment.

I have tried for so many years to overcome my own feelings of guilt over the actions I played out in life. I have been unable to forgive myself and that alone is such a slap in the face of God. On the cross as Jesus died, he said these words, "It is finished". Those words are powerful and truth. For me to carry and hold on to something that I have already been forgiven for as far as the east is to the west is to tell God that He is not my God in this area. I have placed my unforgiveness of self as an idol to hang onto. I pray that through the situation I went through over this past weekend will be the turning point of letting that go.

The lies of the devil have held me captive and I choose to no longer believe what I have believing all these years. What has happened in my life has not always been what I believe God had planned; as I was defiant and chose my way many times.

So in the same manner that I have placed on myself, I have placed on another. I have tried to save someone else from experiencing the same thing I did. It is very obvious that I cannot change another person, I have preached this for years. I have preached that we cannot control what any other person says or does or reacts; we can only control our own. Oh my, how can I preach the truth, but not live it for myself?

The week before I was in Sunday School and we watched a video by Chip Ingram about relationships. Specifically referring to Philippians 2:1-8
"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

I need to look at other's needs before my own, this helps learn humility. And I have to always check my attitude. Every single day, God has an assignment for us. Listen to Him.

Philippians 2:9-11
"Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

This is God's view of humility. We also need to learn to be humble even when things are going well. We cannot let pride step in. We need to be grateful first then humble, then serve.

In light of the hard lesson I have learned, I had to admit that I had sinned, that I had held grudges, bitterness, and resentment for years and it continued to build to a point that it blinded me and I was not able to function in a normal manner in this relationship. I was blinded and deceived.

After being confronted with by behavior, God, in His almighty grace began to open the blinders from my eyes and help me to see the truth. The lies were being exposed, the pain began to diminish and gratefulness for the confrontation began to unravel throughout the day and a gentle peace began to come upon me. Every once in a while, the old thoughts would come back, slapping me in the face. I know that this will be a continual process if learning to let this go and remembering to separate the truth from the lies. Letting go is one of the hardest things especially if you have become so enmeshed and codependent in the relationship.

Saying you are sorry and forgiving are very hard when the pain is still so deep, but that is the only way to grow and let God come in and heal the pain. I continued to say that in my heart I was releasing something that I had held onto for years as the most important thing in my life. These steps were very, very difficult but necessary. I learned this from my friend. Going forward, only by the grace of God will I be able to continue on this journey remembering what I let go of, what I learned, what I forgave, what I said I would not try to control any longer.

Last night before I went to bed I was checking FaceBook and here is something I had posted on someone's wall. Listen to yourself, Jennifer.....

"Being in place where you have no control over a situation that affects someone you love so deeply and want to protect is one of the most devastating and deepest pains in life. I have been there. It is uncontrollable feelings of anguish. I pray for you my friend, that God will comfort you and give you His peace. I wish I could make it better I really do. Thank you for sharing. When someone shares as you have it helps us all feel like we are not alone. Please keep talking and don't hold it in, let it all out. And let us try to comfort and help. As you go to sleep tonight, envision the arms of God wrapped around your little child and protecting him."

I am sure this story will continue. I praise God for the places He has taken me in life, though not always easy, His love carries me through.

Locked in Denial, Unable to See Truth, Until ...

An attempt to build the walls of protection.

Trapped, I tell you. She is kept behind the walls of her own making. The pain of abuse embedded so deeply in her soul she cannot see or feel anything but the pictures struck onto the memory of her mind so literally that she is incapable of seeing anything else.

 

Why, we ask does a young child have to fall prey to the offender? Where, we ask is our protector? Innocense is ripped from the very soul of the child and remains a distance away as she dances through life trying every avenue to capture what was savagely torn from her. Her whole being becomes an attempt to capture and put back inside of her what was so violently stripped away.

 

The sad truth is that what was taken from her can never be returned. It can never be replaced. It is truly a part of her that will never return. How long will she continue pounding the nails into the boards blocking her life from reality.



Slowly removing the false protectors.

I spent this past weekend with this woman who is an alcoholic and has been in and out of jail for driving drunk, and has been in treatment more than once. This woman has reached out to Robin and I numerous times over the last year seeking help. What we continually shared with her is that nothing can change without God at the center of everything. My heart cries along with her as I have lived the same life and been a victim of abuse and am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict myself.

 

The pressure was put on her last weekend after reaching a point of such concern on our part that we were ready to intervene. Flying by the seat of our pants we confronted her in an attempt to share our love and concern and get her to a place of safety. Any attempt to reach out to someone in this situation is very precarious as the reactions and actions are totally unpredictable. The variables are numerous and complex.

 

 

We went in full of prayer and with our faith in Jesus Christ to reach this woman and finally put an end to decades of torment. Never being put into this type of a situation put me in a state of full faith and trust that we were being led by God. After about 20 minutes I text my husband to come, then her husband. There were now four of us attempting to reach this woman and get her where she could get some help. She is so filled with deceit and false beliefs that there was not a thread of consistency. Knowing we were at a standstill we pulled out the Ace and followed through with actions that would get the police involved.

After 3 hours she was on her way to detox in the back of a squad car with a 72 hour hold. She was released today. I wonder if she is beginning to see the light through the darkness.

As of this writing I do not know where she is or what will happen but I do know that God knows and I put my faith in that and will sit in prayer unless prompted by God to step further into the arena. I do see the light. I want my friend to see it also and to leave everything behind and run to the light.

I envision the woman who crawled through the crowds as Jesus was being led by a man requesting that He bring back to life his daughter that had died. As they were walking through the crowds the woman "came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed." Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment." Matthew 9: 20-22

I believe in you, my friend. I will be there for you. I will pray with you. But I cannot fix you. You have to decide that you will finally let it all go and walk to the light. Freedom is waiting.

 Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.

(Psalm 142:7)

Precious Time

The days have seem to fly by without a chance for me to embrace a quality of life that resembles anything of where I was 6 months ago. It frustrates me at times, but I know it is for a season and soon I will have to let this event pass. Things will go back to 'normal' (we all know that term is relevant) so maybe a better choice of words would be back to the way things were. I wonder actually if the time I am spending now doing something that I would consider as close to taking a college course and an internship at the same time is really much different.

On a side note, right now my dog, Gracie, a beautiful black lab seems to think that her resting place for her head is across my left hand so I am struggling to type. Heaven forbid I move her she may then attempt a more appealing spot which would be in my lap, thus creating a complete loss of the ability to type. Grace is beginning to snore so I guess I just keep typing, the movement of my left hand is probably creating the same effect as if I was rocking her. Good grief. Do I need to also sing a lullaby?

So I know some things have to change as my self care has deteriorated and of course it is I who is suffering the consequences which in turn is lowering my self-esteem in that I had been working so hard at weight loss and exercise. As an addict reaches for the bottle, I have reached to food.

Tonight though I have a plan, a plan to stop fighting and start utilizing my precious time. My days are numbered by the Lord and I pray that I stop fighting the stress in my life which in turn is killing me and embrace my God given ability to live each day to the fullest. To remember that my God is in control and that through God all things are possible. I will find my rest in God alone.

I will take this precious time to use the ministry that God has given me and believe that everything else will fall into place. There are some in my life that are upset or concerned about me because of the energy I am putting into this change, but is some of that selfishness on their part? Are they missing something that I used to provide for them? If so, I wish they could see that maybe I could use some help now instead of saying things that I take as an admonishment. I don't know the answer to that for some that have expressed concern. For my husband, yes, he is affected but he has also taken on this situation and it is changing his life. We are not together as much as husband and wife, we are working on that as some respite is due very soon. But he knows we are doing what God has called us to do.

In my title, Precious Time, I can only say that my grandson Austin living with us for this season is that precious time. I will never get it back.

No Trespassing

 

Atypical behavior one might say but for me it is only another change. A swing from one end of the spectrum to the other rarely able to take a respite in the middle where the sign would say 'stability'. Throughout my life I have always had to change to become the identity of what I would perceive another would see me as. Wandering past any danger of risk I would dance before you with complete abandon. I could laugh and joke and bring attention to this pretty girl. There was power in that as I could grasp ahold of your attention and hold you captive for a time. In all of these attempts to orchestrate the vision of a happy girl I was lost inside. I only wanted to be loved without being hurt. I only wanted to be loved without being abandoned.

 

A turn about would enter at times where I would stagger through my days without any direction or desire to remediate any situation. Tossed violently at times and without respect through chasms of darkness. There was not any rhyme or reason to my life as any attempt I had to control would be shattered with the reality of an uncontrolled world around me and would shatter the frenetic pace to maintain identity.

 

I finally found the No Trespassing sign; My God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. He has walked me down a path which has taken many years and showed me the sign. I didn't understand it when I saw it as there was nothing instilled in me that would cause me to understand a boundary. The sign was just that, a piece of wood with writing on it. What was the strength behind it that would cause another to disregard the sign, walk past it and to trespass upon my being? God showed me the Power, The Holy Spirit. For when the Spirit of God came upon me I received the power to stop the trespassers. 

 

How could it be that it took me so long in my life to find that place of personal protection? To say no when I need to without a casting shadow of doubt. As I walk in this new found freedom I experience relief and finally feel free. No longer tethered by the cord that is supposed to bind but continually brought distress as a strangled self hung lifeless with no identity. Now I am tethered by a chord of three strands, The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit - the three in one. There, my friend, is my respite.

Ups, Downs, Ins, Outs, Sideways and Kattywompus

The times that my brain turns in the direction of deep thinking usually ends up either in a state of constant misfiring of neurons creating total chaos or a hyper-focused state of mania where something will take place in an obsessive state until it is complete. If there ever comes a time where we meet in the middle, I am usually at peace. Well, let that last statement be relative.

I just don't understand things at times, it is all such a conundrum of situations and happenings that confuse me. I have had a lifetime of complicated, nonsensical events that I wonder at times how I have made it this far without a visit to the padded room. Well, let me reiterate that last sentence...I guess at one point in my life I visited a hospital unit for a few days in which I was allowed to gain back control of my life during a time of extreme stress. A bed, 3 squares a day, a place to smoke (that is back when I did), 'talking time' (group therapy), and occupational therapy (craft projects) I guess it wasn't all that bad. At least I was isolated from the agony that my world had become. A shift in some medications, ahh yes, the inevitable 'try this, try that' attempts at finding the right medication to help you live life without falling apart.

I tend to think that being a victim of childhood abuse, a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, bi-polar, ADD and menopausal woman gives me some validity to my extreme actions at times. What I need more than anything right now is balance. Oh wait....I forgot the teeter-toter, I tend to swing up and down. But I remember as a child if I did not sit on the teeter-toter but rose above the board and centered myself in the middle I could keep both sides on an even keel.


I think I must dance on the board for a while, centered in position to allow myself freedom to be me. I think I have forgotten who that is and I have begun to lose focus in the mess of chaos around me. Structure has lost its definitive boundary, routine has unraveled, balance aborted by the grim reality of circumstances, unhealthy decisions in self-care due to the attempt to control something in my life even though it is destroying me rather than helping me.

Over and over people tell me they are so impressed with what I am doing, one woman called me a saint. They ask how I do it. The commend and praise the work I have done. I don't want to hear that. Yes, I am going through the motions, at times with ease but so much of the time in frustration and anger. I have even had people upset with me because my focus in life right now is on something different, but it is only for a season. Is that right, I ask myself. The answer seems to be no, but I feel that God called me to do this and it is right, I think that the answer to obtaining some peace is to stop trying to do it on my own and ask for God's help. I need to reach out to my Heavenly Father at the first opening of my eyes and let Him dwell in my thoughts. I need to step onto the center of the teeter-toter (where God dwells) and submit to His presence.

God, I want to be free and I want to dance over and above all the cares of the world. If only for a while....let me laugh....let me dance....let me come into your presence and feel your touch. I will not lose hope, I only want to have some respite.

I tend to think that being a victim of childhood abuse, a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, bi-polar, ADD and menopausal woman gives me some validity to my extreme actions at times. What I need more than anything right now is balance. Oh wait....I forgot the teeter-toter, I tend to swing up and down. But I remember as a child if I did not sit on the teeter-toter but rose above the board and centered myself in the middle I could keep both sides on an even keel.


I think I must dance on the board for a while, centered in position to allow myself freedom to be me. I think I have forgotten who that is and I have begun to lose focus in the mess of chaos around me. Structure has lost its definitive boundary, routine has unraveled, balance aborted by the grim reality of circumstances, unhealthy decisions in self-care due to the attempt to control something in my life even though it is destroying me rather than helping me.

Over and over people tell me they are so impressed with what I am doing, one woman called me a saint. They ask how I do it. The commend and praise the work I have done. I don't want to hear that. Yes, I am going through the motions, at times with ease but so much of the time in frustration and anger. I have even had people upset with me because my focus in life right now is on something different, but it is only for a season. Is that right, I ask myself. The answer seems to be no, but I feel that God called me to do this and it is right, I think that the answer to obtaining some peace is to stop trying to do it on my own and ask for God's help. I need to reach out to my Heavenly Father at the first opening of my eyes and let Him dwell in my thoughts. I need to step onto the center of the teeter-toter (where God dwells) and submit to His presence.

God, I want to be free and I want to dance over and above all the cares of the world. If only for a while....let me laugh....let me dance....let me come into your presence and feel your touch. I will not lose hope, I only want to have some respite.